Time Keeps on Slipping into the Future
I'm at the high school now and I feel myself running out to steam. I still have papers to grade and I am going to have to force myself to do them. I don't want affirm that I am tired of this job, that I don't like being here, but I feel myself pulling to a stop. It's very difficult to be here. I'm tired of hearing all the Dutch. I'm tired to making the trip. I'm tired of reading bad English written in sucky handwriting. It's been a nice adventure, but it's tiring.
And The Beat Goes On
I am at the college now waiting for a student meeting. As I was sitting here checking my e-mail, one my students who was studying abroad phoned a colleague. This colleague is also the head something and I need to look good in front of him. Seems this student isn't aware that I'm his study coach and now he's back from abroad and in the hospital. Of course I haven't heard anything about it.
Once again, it occurs to me that this combined with the amazing amount of exam checking I have to do combined with my writing work has me completely overwhelmed. I have a free evening tonight and I am really looking forward to getting something done. I hope Hans does not have other plans, such as sitting watching television. If so, I will shut myself in the bedroom and work. I'm amazed at how much I have to do. I really don't feel like I have a chance to just chill out. I was completely overwhelmed on the way to the high school this morning and then I came here right after, and my student is fifteen minutes late.
I'll be really relieved when this school year is over. Really, it's only a month that I have to do. I'm just feeling stress and I don't like it at all. It's not just a little stress. It's an overwhelming amount of stress. This is not fun. I can't imagine working two jobs in the future. Oh! I know what I was going to do this evening. I was going to work in the writing job. Whatever. I will prepare for my class tomorrow and then work on that. I have to get something done. This is the life. Busy busy busy. I'm enjoying a lot of it, but I need to pull back a bit on what I'm doing.
Overwhelming
Yesterday at the high school I had a talk with Henri about the English exams that the 12th graders are now doing. It's a nationwide exam that all 12th graders in the Netherlands are doing. I have 75 to grade and then I trade with another teacher at another school. It's mostly multiple-choice, but there are a few open answers - and they have to answer in Dutch, so it will be a lot of work for me. Plus there's this whole spreadsheet that has to be created with every question and what each student got on each question. Tedious and time consuming.
Then I went to the college and had a meeting with a colleague there who is in charge of making sure all the exams are correct and that they make sense and that we've covered the material in the exam. Plus, they have to be pared down for the part time students. I was overwhelmed at the amount of work I have ahead of me. I am teaching two classes and there are two sets of students for each class. And each class has a "case study" and a "body of knowledge" exam - or in the case of the second year students, a 2500 word paper. Additionally, there are re-sits for each test for the students who failed the test the first time they took it. I have a huge amount of grading ahead of me.
Oh. I also got a writing job. It's a travel book. Everything will be finished in the next six weeks. But I fear that I will barely be keeping up during this time. I'll be busy. There's no question about that.
Is this my Future I'm Looking At?
Teachers are strange people. Some of them, especially the men, can get a really dusty and unkempt look. I'm talking about the college now, although it probalby goes for the high schoo as well. (The "problem" there is that the high school is so female dominated that my theory sort of collapses.) Here are two examples. Paul and Ben.
Paul is somewhere in his mid-thirties. He's super smart, but has a bit of an attitude about his brain, which looks like it takes up most of his forehead. He's a decidedly unattractive person. He's got a really heavy brow and eyes that are sunken in to the point that they are almost spooky. Paul has longer hair with a decent hairline. It goes straight back with absolutely no fanfare. However, it's sort of the texture of straw. It's that kind of hair that just sort of sits on the head, like a wig.
He is sort of skinny, but he can't dress and he doesn't use his figure (whatever it is) to his advantage. He dresses like an academic would dress, that cordoroy blazer and jeans look. It's a mess. I can't imagine what he's like at home. He looks perpetually single. I can't imagine that he's got a girlfriend and if he does, I imagine that she's like an identical twin.
Ben is sort of Paul in twenty years. He's what I think of when I think of dusty and unkempt. He's got that dandruffy thing going on and his glasses are always smudged. He's a super sweet guy, but he seems like he smells. I'm sitting at his desk because he's away and it has lots of dust and crumbs all over it. There's a wrist thing that is absolutely disgusting. Of course I'm using it Oh well.
The other guy in this office, Ken, seems to be trying to keep up appearances. He's very gray, but has recently dyed his hair. I wish he wouldn't do that. He's sort of on the short side with a bit of a belly. Very nice, but there's about two square feet of clear space on his desk. It's very hard to work there.
Wonder if that's what I'm going to turn into.
No.
Time to Talk
I have to meet with the principal today to tell her that I will not be returning next year. I spoke with Monica today, but I did not tell her that I would be leaving. Sort of makes me sad to think about it. I like it here. I like the students - most of them - and I like the other teachers. The problem is the commute and the lower level kids in the 10th and 11th grades.
There are some students who are so interesting to talk to, engaging, insightful, intelligent. They are the kind of people you'd like to know, be friends with, years from now. It's nice to look at kids and think,
She's going to be such a great person when she's grown up, instead of
I bet he´s on drugs by twenty and in jail by 23. There are number that I´m sure will experience the
Dutch prison system.
Reminds me of a patient I had back in my therapist days. He was such a success and then went on to be a success in his next program. Then he strangled his mother with a telephone cord and went to jail. Another patient who was `conversant´ with the NYC prison system said that mother killers don´t last long in jail.
It´s so refreshing to be back here. What a nice vacation. When I leave in July, it´ll be a vacation from here forever.
Spoke with Jolene
My classes yesterday went by quickly and at 11:30, I found Jolene in the hall and we went into her office to talk. She explained what the talk was about, how my original talk with James had been a "colleague" talk and that this one was the official "boss-employee" talk. (There are Dutch words, but I won't go into them.)
She enjoyed the class that she observed. She likes my humor and my ease with the students. They were well-behaved. She was very complimentary, and gave some suggestions on what could be improved.
Then she asked me about next year. I said, "The commute is a killer and as much as I enjoy the environment here at school and the people, I wonder if I want to commit to another year of that."
She was a little surprised. They are happy with me here. She tried to let me have some time to give her a final answer, "Take the May vacation and tell me when you return," but she said, "Give it another year. You've put in so much time to let that go. But I don't want to influence your decision."
We really talked a lot about the year. She said that I've done a very good job considering that I had no teaching experience and that I had some very rough classes. I said I'd think about it, but I can't imagine what would make me rethink it. I've pretty much deicided.
Telling Monica is going to be a terror. She keeps getting left in the dust with these teachers leaving and every year training a new one. I hate it for her, but...oh, it's really not my responsibility to figure it all out for her. I can make it as easy as possible for her. I'll do that.
Update Job Opening
A day after I initially got the e-mail about them filling my job, I re-read the e-mail and saw that it was Monica, my colleague, who had written this letter. "We are pleased to announce an opening..." I was floored and I kept thinking,
What a bitch to go on planning with me like nothing is happening, all the while trying to fill my job! Granted, I want out, but that's not the point. So I was ready to confront her. Hans and I devised a plan. I would print out the e-mail and show it to her on Monday. Nothing flashy, just enough for her to be surprised and hopefully pee herself when she realizes she's been discovered. I brooded about it the whole weekend, talking about it here and there with Hans, considering my options.
So last night I brought it up the e-mail so that I could print it out and have it at the ready. As I read through it, I read, "...the successful candidate will join two native English speakers and four..." and then I felt like a dork. I realized that our colleague, Bob, is leaving and that this position is to replace him, not me.
So what that does is totally mess with my plan to be okay with leaving on the basis that they were ready to get me out of here anyway. Now I realize that it's going to be a bit of a problem telling both Monica and Jolene, the principal, that I'm going. Not a drama, really, but I have to just say it. Seems Monica is really sincere in all the "next year" talk she keeps doing.
